A Good Ol’ Fashioned Moan

November 1, 2015 at 12:36 AM

I thought I’d give you a blog post update on how I am and show you the motivations and reasons behind my way recent decisions – this probably won’t fit in a single tweet.

Back in 2013, I did my ‘2500 Clue Challenge’ to raise money and awareness about depression, and did monthly updates about my own personal struggles. It’s about time for another update. My depression and social anxiety have been particularly bad of late, and it’s currently related to the lack of a job and lack of self-esteem. (Halloween is literally a nightmare for me due to the social anxiety and prospect of trick or treaters!)

A few of you have suggested possible jobs that I could look in to, and I am truly grateful that you’ve done that, but I haven’t applied for any of them. I wanted to let you know why and hopefully not appear disrespectful, I wanted to let you know that I’m super confused and unhappy right now.

There are no jobs that I can do. I have no useful up-to-date skills. I have two main recent avenues of work – Meteorology and TV researching – and they’re both not open to me. Let me explain.

Aside from the PhD burning passion for it out of me, I can’t do any Meteorology research jobs as I only used one arcane programming language during it, and I’ve forgotten that too, so I have no coding experience. I didn’t understand what I was doing with forecasting, and didn’t cope with the shift work. So that’s meteorology out of the way.

What about telly work? I love quizzes and game shows, and I guess it is my one real passion. But it’s in London. I also strongly dislike the unpredictability of the work and short term nature of the contracts, but most of all I’m not strong enough to work in London, either by living there or by commuting. Despite writing questions for various things over the year, I actually don’t like it much and it does drive me mad very quickly.

So, I need to find something new, but I have no idea what. I’ve been thinking for well over a year “what job would I like to do”, and despite thinking for all that time I have absolutely no idea. The only answers seem to be “something involved in tv quizzes” or “hosting a radio show”. That first option, as already discussed, is not possible. The second one is also not possible as I don’t have a track record in it, it would likely have unusual hours, and have no idea where to begin. It also requires social interaction, which I need a bit of strength to deal with right now as it makes me anxious. So that’s out of the running too. I don’t know what sort of jobs I’d like, I don’t even know what I enjoy doing in my spare time at the moment, as nothing seems to interest or entertain me. I’ve lost confidence in trying new things, which isn’t useful when job hunting.

Interviews are going to be hard. I don’t have the self-esteem to apply for any jobs that require an interview. This is going to have to change. I know I must have some skills, I am alive and breathing for one, so I must be able to do something, but I haven’t got a single clue what.

I’m also getting frustrated with the fact that I need to find a part-time job to dip my toe into the working world slowly. I get exhausted very easily and I need to build up stamina for work. I keep telling myself this is the right thing to do, part time into full time later, but it does feel like I’m being a complete sissy. Looking for part time jobs is also very restrictive, most jobs advertised are full time, so it limits the type and number of jobs that I can find. I’m almost certainly being overly fussy about my job search, so I’m not expecting any sympathy from anyone here.

I realised recently that, based on how long my depression has been this severe, I’m technically disabled. It is having a profound impact on my day to day life, every single day, and has been for years. It qualifies as a disability. This upsets me even more.

If I ever get a job, then I know have other issues that I need to resolve, but right here, right now, getting a job is the big thing. It would give me something to do, make me interact socially, and give me money. It’s incredibly boring doing nothing because you can’t afford anything, you know. Though having said that, that’s been the case for so long, that I can’t really remember what things to do to have fun any more. Again, no confidence in doing new things.

I’ll be turning 30 soon, and all I see in myself a massive loser. I can’t even control my body clock at the moment, I’m getting up at 4pm, going to bed between 2 and 4am, and sleeping at least 12 hours per day (though this will change when I have something to regulate my body clock for).  I need your help to make me not think of myself as a loser. I am *incredibly* guilty that I’m claiming benefits right now, despite the fact that that’s what they’re there for. (That’s a sentence with two different homophones. Fun.) And right now I’m having to cut down the amount I’m spending on food because the benefits still leave things pretty tight.

I’m seeing the doctor in just over a week’s time and seriously considering him sign me off job searching entirely for a month or so for me to try and get myself together a bit. I am on a few counselling waiting lists, but whilst the NHS being free is wonderful, there is quite a wait and it’ll probably be a new year before anything starts.

Anyway, I just really wanted to let you know how I was and why I’ve not applied for many jobs in the past month. Sorry about the general moan. I’m really very sorry for how rubbish I am right now. Being mostly unemployed for the past couple of years has been incredibly tough. I don’t like publicly admitting half of this, because I do reckon it will harm my employment prospects, and even alienate people, but I felt this needed to be said. Tonight I felt particularly exasperated and without much to lose. Depression utterly sucks.

Told you it wouldn’t fit in a single tweet.